The Dam, The Ship and The Cyclones

Part A: Seasons of Emotional Cyclones

I clearly remember the year in which I commenced Meditation Practice. It was in February 2019. The first six months of Meditation Practice was an absolutely amazing experience. I already had two instances of breakthrough experiences in Meditation and yet I was unable to meditate beyond 45 minutes.

In August 2019, I fell sick with a fever and cold that did not go away for around 3 weeks. Due to the fact that, I had an extremely congested nose, I was unable to properly meditate and that is when the problems started.

After recovering from the illness, I noticed that, I was more distracted and attracted towards certain destructive thoughts. Very soon, a cascade of thoughts and emotions began. It got worse as days passed and I had completely forgotten about meditation by the end of the week and I was rapidly putting information into my brain in the form of books, movies and TV series. My brain was rapidly trying to build up a protective mechanism. My usual protective mechanism of exercise and meditation was temporarily out of bounds.

I am not a highly social person and my social circle is extremely limited to a very handful of people. However, this does not mean that I do not know anyone. Soon, I was thinking about all the people I had interacted in my life. I was getting angry, upset, and disappointed over all the people that I had failed to impress, win over or make amends with. I was crushed with the memories of battles fought and lost which were quite a many, the many battles that ought not to have been fought, and the very few battles that ended in victory and a lot more that ended with a bad taste in the mouth. A word to describe the emotions that followed can be called as “crushing”. A combination of Anger, Fear, Loneliness and Hopelessness. I was soon staring into a dark abyss.

By the middle of September 2019, the emotional cascade had begun to fade away. I had started exercising again and slowly by the end of September 2019 my meditation practice was back on track. I felt happier again.

The same scenario repeated in August 2020 when I fell physically sick however it was not due to the Coronavirus. Again as the previous year, it took a long time for my body to recover and the mind to recover to its earlier position. Further this year, due to medication gastro-intestinal problems increased the recovery period. It is extremely painful to first be aware that the muscle mass that I built painstakingly over the last year was going to go away within a matter of days and it is further painful to see what remains post recovery.

However, this time, My mind was well prepared to motivate itself as it had learnt to save some mental energy for the recovery and soon I was back on the track of regular exercise. The emotional front however was a totally different story. A massive emotional cascade followed, all types of thoughts that oscillated between pleasure and pain arose and was amplified with every passing moment and every passing day.

The oscillation is something that terrifies me as I write this. Consider this thought:

A thought arises how good it would be to exercise again, how good it would feel to be strong again. No sooner than that, another thought arises that it would all be gone by the next illness. The first thought will give a massive burst of mental confidence and pleasure and almost immediately the second thought would give an even bigger burst of mental pain and crushing hopelessness.

PART B: THE CYCLONE

Visualising this emotional cascade it is the same as Massive Tidal Waves roaring and screaming threatening to tear the mind apart and rip it to shreds. As I write this line, the way I look at my mind has changed. I initially saw my mind as a dam, but I realise that is better to see my mind as a ship.

On a normal day, emotions come and go like breeze. The oscillations are calm and often pleasant like whether to have onion sambar rice or lemon rasam, whether vanilla or butterscotch, whether to buy something or not., whether to take leave from work or not. The Oscillations I speak about are nothing short of supercyclonic gusts.

Consider the oscillation repeating throughout the day and even night ( leading to less sleep) with respect to every aspect of life - my strength, my possessions, my identity, my job, my education, my intellect ( not very high obviously) , my spouse, my family, my pets and worst of all, the people whom I interacted with over the span of my life. The experience is nothing short of terrorism. My own mind terrorises my very existence.

In 2021, luckily, I have not yet suffered any physical illness. A Small rocking of the boat in terms of self-discipline and exercise over the month of May 2021 to June 2021 due to extraneous reasons, that resulted in my inability to schedule meditation sessions led to a small emotional cascade which I was able to recover from very quickly thanks to a higher mental energy.

However, incidents in the month of August 2021 which lead to a mental burnout caused the following incidents to happen:

1. A massive brain overload of information.

2. Inability of brain to take in and process new information - all movies and books were a bunch of irrelevant gibberish. Nothing was going inside the head.

3. An inability to shed the extra information despite writing a few articles.

4. All the above resulted in a massive emotional cascade and the thought oscillation that I experienced previously.

The 2021 cascade coincided with two things - my mental energy was totally exhausted and my physical energy was also exhausted. The result was a total inability to meditate or exercise. I was unable to sit quietly for even 5 minutes from the middle of August 2021. I had to do something, such as driving or reading a book or watch a video. But nothing was going inside. I was in my own personal hell.

The result was the biggest Emotional Cyclone I have ever experienced. I agree that all this seems not that bad for the reader, but from the point of my experience it feels like being in the middle of a Cosmic Apocalypse.

PART C: THE ART OF RIDING THE STORMS

From an analysis of the above experiences I have come to understand the nature of emotions, mind and my brain.

When I started writing this, I visualised the mind as a dam. I changed my visualisation. Our Conscious brain is like a Ship. The water is the emotions and the wind is the environment. The water exists in our unconscious and subconscious mind. The wind is the environment in which our minds reside.

The dam effect of the Ship's hull prevents the emotions of the mind from getting in so that I may move about my life with a good ship. I am surprised to realise that both the ship and the water reside within my mind, One is a tool and the other is energy. I would like to think that the wind is the environment, but that too may be a mental construct. I am not sure at this juncture. I may understand at a later point in life or may not!

Our habits in life protect us from emotional cascades - the storms that are generated by interaction of our environment and our emotions. A storm can be both scary and can be happy too. I am talking about the scary storms here. Our habits acts as a Dam or the hull of the ship preventing the water from entering the ship. Else the ship will sink inside our emotions and be destroyed. Even destructive habits such as entertainment, social media, drinking, smoking and even sexual acts - whether with a partner or with oneself (virtual sex) act as protective mechanisms that prevent the brains sinking. They are like quick fixes such as bailing out the water or adjusting the rigging or lightening the ship to make the ship go faster in the storm. It is easier to stop the flow by having a drink or having a smoke. For some, it is easier to stop the flow by having sex or engaging in sexual pleasure acts. For some, it is better to lighten the ship by numbing emotions through drugs, medication.

All these hack the brain into producing chemicals that seeks to stop the water from getting into the ship. It dams the flow. But much depends upon the quality of the chemicals. Addictive behaviour stops the emotional flow but weakens the dam. It weakens the mind. It weakens the ship. Lightening the ship will make one ill-prepared for the journey. Merely adjusting the rigging to the storm will gradually increase stress on the rigging and the next storm will most likely tear it apart. The chemicals secreted by the brain are like the crew of the ship. Merely by increasing a few types of chemicals alone will not save the ship. It will only increase the load on the ship and weaken it faster. Increasing anger, ego, fear will stress the mind more. Using only, pleasurable behaviour - more money, drinking and sex is like recruiting only a hundred crew members with buckets to bail out water without looking at the holes in the ship.

For me, and probably for many other people, physical exercise acts as a strong dam. It prevents destructive emotions from taking over. It physically plugs the holes strongly and pushes the water out.

So far, I have used Mediation as a powerful dam that provides the mental force to plug the holes and push destructive emotions deep into the sea of the mind. A combination of meditation and exercise is exhilarating. It gives so much power and so much mental energy. It results in higher secretions of endorphins and testosterones. The result is that good happy emotions are amplified while emotions such as fear and anger are locked into the hold. But as I have seen, as storms brew, the water and wind come back with a fury that is terrifying as I have experienced and can utterly beat my dams into submission. These storms are nothing but our reality coming back to show us who we really are. It points us to the crew members who are locked in the hold and shows us that the Captain is truly afraid of some crew members. It does not do good for the ship.

As I write this, I realise that punishing myself for this mistake is not the point. It will repeat the mistake. If one punishes oneself, it is equal to locking happy emotions into the hold while negative emotions take charge of the ship. In order to ride the storm, both positive and negative emotions are needed and must learn to cooperate. In the middle of a breeze the negative emotions must learn to smile, nod and give way to happy emotions while negative emotions keep watch and warn of impending scary storms. In the middle of a scary storm, the happy thoughts must first learn to smile, then nod to negative emotions to take over temporarily while happy emotions give support and remind that happy breezy days are not far away.

PART D: BUILDING THE SHIP BACK AND RIDING THE STORM

In order to gain back control over the flow, one needs to do the following:

1. Stop obsessing over the fact that the ship is in the middle of a storm. Stop obsessing that water has entered the ship. There is no way to stop a damn storm. Some water will come in, some planks will break. The trick is to have only “some “ and not many or not many at the same time.

2. Figure out the best and strongest way to stop the water from coming further in and also to strengthen the ship better.
   

Point 1 works during the storm, and point 2 works in-between storms.

In the Modern world, it is absolutely necessary to have a strong ship and ride fewer storms. It is not possible to avoid storms, but it is absolutely necessary to choose your storms to brave and ride and choose those to evade. Emotional Storms in our world are very powerful so If I do not have the ship built back at the earliest, my destructive emotions would most likely steam roll everything good the world has to offer. Emotional Storms in our World are not always natural manifestations of nature. Most storms are actually made by Humans and Human Institutions we live with. Therefore, It is absolutely necessary to choose storms to brave. So, Too many storms will weaken the ship faster. One may end up as totally psychotic or deranged and worse - dead in an untimely manner.

An inability to build the ship back and to stop obsessing the water that already flowed in results in totally disastrous results - Mindless Violence, Depression, Insanity, Suicidal Tendencies. It is the inability of the person to stem the flow of thoughts and ultimately the ship breaks and floats as just pieces or sinks. The Captain decides to go down with the ship the moment the storm gets stronger or gives into madness - the emotions circulating in the Outer core of the environment.

Therefore, it is always better to re-build the ship no matter how bad it is broken. every time, we have the freedom and choice to build the ship a little bit better and more stronger.

There are two factors akin to dials that control the capacity of the person to dam the flow and strengthen the ship

1. The Inner Core of the Mind.

2. The Outer Shell of the Environment.

The Inner Core of the Mind can be related to the character and personality traits of the individual. A Mind that is compassionate and rational is more likely to stop obsessing and build the dam back quicker than a mind that is less predisposed to a mind that is less compassionate and less rational. By rational I mean the ability to see reality as it is. yes, it is a storm and yes the water has come in. One cannot reverse it, but one can always build back the ship with the calm power of the mind. one can always face the next storm with a slightly stronger ship.

The outer shell of the environment is much more tricky. It relates to the nature of the thoughts that is circulating in the environment of the person. The speed and flow of emotions depends upon the environment. Too much negativity in the environment such as over-expectations, too much fear or anger, lust, malice, greed, prejudice, and inflated egos will increase the pressure of the emotions against the ship. When the storm blows and the hull is breached the flow is very powerful.

A mind that is not highly compassionate and highly rational will definitely despair at the flow of emotions that rushes out like a cosmic deluge. It is always possible to dam the flow, but it is impossible to certainly say that the dam will never break.

The dam always breaks and there is always the possibility build it back a little bit better so that it is more difficult to break the next time. A repeated practice of rebuilding the dam slightly better every time it breaks eventually builds a dam that is so strong that it takes inhuman force to prise it open. The mind that eventually results from such powerful dams are incredibly strong and resilient.

But it is impossible to control the water and the wind. However, as we have seen with the physical world, we all can contribute to reduce the possibility of more severe storms. As with extreme climate change contribute to more powerful cyclones, we can also contribute to controlling extreme emotions from being made part of the water. Extreme Happiness and Extreme Pain both generate strong emotions. These strong emotions will overwhelm most strong ships when storms brew. In the environment of our world, there are many things are deliberately generate such extreme emotions. It is impossible to control those who generate such emotions, but we can always blunt the impact to the maximum possible. To blunt the effect, we must engage with such people actively and not ignore them completely for ignorance will generate a stronger storm.

More often, this environment comprises of thoughts that arises from other people, from other ships. We often do not have the power to control the environment completely, nor should we have full control, because then we won't be witness to beautiful storms! We will never learn to respect the environment and other people if we seek to bend everyone to our will. The better form of control is to learn which storms to evade and which ones to enjoy. There is a subtle humour in realising that, more often we end up being In a storm that we wish to evade. It is better then to have a strong ship and a mind that can enjoy that storm while getting out safely.

In today's world, It is impossible to stop stronger storms. But it is always possible to build stronger ships and prevent more stronger storms. Therefore, our foremost responsibility lies in building stronger ships and equipping ourselves with the know-how to build stronger ships, though those having more control insist that bigger and better buckets would do the job.

PART E: THE INEVITABLE SINKING OF DEATH

Some are born with strong dams and hulls, some are with slightly weaker dams and hulls. But everyone has one and most importantly only ONE. I cannot change my ship midway. Every time I repair the ship it feels like a new one.

I recently learnt that, every time I stopped my meditation practice I was closer to a breakthrough, this knowledge has helped my rational mind to reassure itself that the dam can be built again and slightly better.

Every time you rest from exercise the body actually grows stronger and the mental processes are allowed to rest and recover. This knowledge will motivate me to get back to regular exercise again.

It is knowledge that gives us the feeling of novelty. Something we did not have before but we got now. I need to be humble with knowledge and be compassionate with it, because one needs to keep in mind that not many get to rebuild their ships.

It is compassion that allows us to pity those who never built back their ships and ended up becoming slaves to destruction and untimely death due to violence. Instead of building back the ships, they jumped into the flow of emotions and thus got washed away. Jumping in and going down with the ship are often tragedies.

Eventually, our ships will sink and both the sea and our environment of the mind will collapse into itself. This happens at the point of death. It is impossible to stop the ship from sinking at some point, eventually. But it is always in our hands to stop our ships from becoming weaker and weaker and from storms becoming stronger and stronger. A compassionate and rational control over the strength of ships and the strength of the storms will end up in an amazing ship that when eventually sinks will endow the captain and its crew with a very high level of satisfaction of having lived a fulfilled life. As the ship’s crew, captain and the ship dissolves into the mind, it would be the end of a fulfilled life, one of joy and definitely with the satisfaction of having built a slightly better ship and a slightly better world.

PART E: THE NEW SHIPYARD OF THE MIND

I now decide to put the effort into Meditation and Exercise towards this purpose - to ensure that me and my ship will survive most storms until the time is up. To ensure I build stronger ships and reduce stronger storms. I need to use my effort not to push back the emotions deep but to embrace the emotions and to gently acknowledge their existence and to respect them. They can overwhelm the ship at any moment and I am but at their mercy. Pushing them is not the way.

It also important to have a strong crew that works for the benefit of the ship and not for themselves. That means I need to acknowledge the nature of my crew members my individual emotions of pleasure and pain are these crew members and I need to respect them and also treat them like children and not like rogues or pirates. In the ship of the brain, punishing a crew member won’t help for I am punishing myself.

If the mind is like a ship then one must learn to enjoy the cyclone and let the ship ride the storm at the same time. No matter where the ship emerges the duty to live does not change. Perhaps I have been looking at the mind the wrong way - as a dam. Perhaps I have been pushing back through my practice. I may be required to rethink and look at the mind as a ship. Perhaps this exercise itself may not be fully correct. However the ultimate goal to enjoy the ride does not change. The duty to live does not change.

That way, it is possible for the Captain and the Crew to actually enjoy the storm and finally sink with satisfaction at the ultimate end.